For almost five years, I’ve been the preacher at the church my husband grew up in. I’m not ordained; don’t even have a degree, but the denomination is one in which the congregation can vote on a lay-person to fill the pulpit while searching for a ‘real’ Pastor. They voted me in unanimously, and I’ve doubted the wisdom of that corporate decision almost every day! But I regret not one day of it. I grew more in the last five years than I did in the last 15.
I’ve stated to them from the start that I knew I wasn’t what the congregation needed but that I could fill the hole for four or five years until we found someone who was. I never made any promises…like that I could be their pastor, but I did often feel the compassion to step up to the plate and be more than I ever thought I could. Even though I tried to be honest with them, and tell them that my first priority was to my children, I still felt (feel?) that some of them were always very unhappy with me…that I could do better if I just put forth a tiny bit more effort.
Like I’m compulsively late – always have been, and, likely, always will be – but that as much as I’ve tried to be on time, and keep regular office hours…I just…can’t. I cannot make myself get in there on time – I’m always late.
[I’m suspect it’s one of those self-defeating tendencies that perfectionist-underachievers display, because to succeed tends to scare the hell out of (us).] But I was thinking about it today – I called in sick, even though technically I don’t guess I’m really sick… I just am exhausted – and I realized, after one of the parishioners called and offered to be of any kind of help – even to picking up my kids from school and keeping them for a little while! – that maybe…they wanted me to reach out to them a little more often, ask for help from them, lean back on them just a little…if it meant they’d get me to the office on time!
I don’t ask for help…unless I really, really, really need it. (Maybe that’s why I’m so tired?) And maybe they kind of wish I had, more often. Instead of just asking when it was basically an emergency.
Well, we found and voted for, and hired a ‘real’ pastor. I’m very happy. I look forward to becoming a better mother, wife and writer with a bit more time in which to wallow around in it all.
But I cannot help thinking…or wishing that I’d figured this whole thing out before now, when I’m on my way out the door.
Oh wow Jules...wish I'd have known this "before"...I'd have been all over you like white on rice...and even gone to church! You have so much to share...there is a wealth of information behind your beautiful eyes and when I first met you...didn't think there was an insecure bone in your body....but now...hey! I recognize a sista! Good for you...you wouldn'tl have been where you were if God hadn't wanted you there...for YOU and the congregation...I applaud you for stepping up and don't beat yourself up for "half-assing' it...I know that's how you feel, but know that is that is what it is...it's what it was. I am sure no one was dissappointed in you...how could they?
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