When I was your age...

I remember back when I was a kid and my parents were still together, one of the things my parents enjoyed was going to see Clint Eastwood 'spaghetti westerns'. I guess they were produced in Italy or something and thus they were called by that name. Anyway, I was no older than 10 -- that's when my parents split up -- so Clint Eastwood wasn't even a name to me, just squinty eyed glare and thin cigarillo poking out of his grim mouth. It wasn't so much the movies I remember as the venue. They dotted the landscape when I was a kid, but you don't see them around much anymore. As a matter of fact, if you played a variation of "punch buggy" -- slugging your seat partner every time you saw one -- you'd likely fall asleep waiting for the opportunity to get in a 'legal' hit.

What I'm talking about is Drive-In Movie Theatres. Those unmistakably tall and wide screens lit up to five or seven stories tall, giving real heft to the phrase 'larger than life'. It's small wonder I recall Clint's squinty glare and his cigarillo -- they were as big as the family station wagon on those screens.

My husband shares the delight and nostalgic 'awwww' that I feel when we happen upon one of these cherished relics of our separate but oddly joined past. They conjure memories of too much sugar, swing sets set in sand with the screen looming too closely behind, fast friendships made at the foot of those surreal screens meant only to last for the night... The feeling of freedom at parents close enough if the need arose, yet far enough out of pocket to give us our first thrill of independence. Not to mention the giddy joy of watching the stars at the same time you watched a movie from the hood of your car.

We are lucky enough to be caught in a triangle of Texas towns that gives us a choice of not just one, but two Drive-Ins. Oh, there are more -- this one in the picture that I snapped on the way to Grapevine TX, and another down the road a piece (that's a good Texas phrase) featuring a gapped-tooth stare from the sheet metal slowly dropping off the screen's facade occupied by a herd of cows that think the car corral (auditorium, maybe?) makes a good wind break.

I never fail to feel a little sad when I drive by that one.

But back to the picture. You can't see it, because we were driving too fast, but the audience section isn't bermed and ready for cars -- it has rows and rows of benches! Can you imagine? Where did the cars park? And how did you listen? Or, maybe the benches were just the 'front rows' with plenty of room for cars behind. I dunno.

Still... it must have been one heck of a Drive-In in it's day, huh?

Now With More Pictures

We stayed at the Gaylord Texan in Grapevine this past weekend. The Gaylord Texan is a large hotel which houses a 4.5 acre atrium. The atrium features small scale replicas of the Alamo, the San Antonio River Walk and a 9-story oil derrick. Throughout the atrium winding around the landmarks, lush gardens abound. We had a fifth floor room with a balcony overlooking the atrium. I took the picture from our balcony the first night.

The local model train group built an exhibit in the atrium which includes The Hogwarts Express train, the Polar Express train, a bullet train, an old fashioned steam train,a very realistic subway train and a couple of others, too. Right next to that, a large scale platform in the shape of a guitar hosts another group of model trains. In the center of the promenade up on a bridge in the shape of a figure eight, another model train runs periodically. They must like their trains in Grapevine!

Our first (well, only really) day we spent mostly at the beautiful outdoor pool-- not quite olympic sized, but adequate for getting in some laps -- with a line of man-made waterfalls that spill into the pool the entire length. Mostly sun worshipers dominated the space and my little fam felt a tad out of place. The indoor pool seemed basically deserted. Odd; usually it's the other way around -- lot's of family splashing in the outdoor pool while the indoor is occupied by the serious swimmers and adults who want to 'see and be seen'.

Most of our recreation consisted of walking the indoor grounds, and with 4+ acres that was plenty of exercise, lemme tell ya! The hotel literature says they keep that atrium at a steady 72 degrees, so the walking was pleasant, comfortable and free of the clammy sweat induced by walking the (equally beautiful but steamy) outdoor grounds. Outside, the hotel boasts it's own vineyard, honoring Thomas Volney Munson, the Denison, TX expert on viticulture who -- no joke -- saved the European wine industry in the early 1900's by exporting three ship-loads of native Texas rootstock. For this service, Munson was awarded the Legion of Honor, Chevalier du Merite Agricole.

Not bad for an 'Merican, eh? And a Texan to boot.

I suspect Pete Townsend visited the Caprock of Texas

My fam and I just got back from a camping trip in an area the locals refer to as the Breaks -- that's the edge of the geographical feature called the Caprock in the Texas Panhandle/ New Mexico area. The land 'breaks' off along a rough line and if you're standing on the east side of it you can see for miles and miles and miles >;-)

We had a great time roughing it and testing our limits against the harshness of the landscape. The rain lashed at us when the sun wasn’t burnishing our skin and the wind blew hard, rattling our tents and our nerves.

But the sky! Oh, it unfurled like a canopy beneath our campsite, stretching like infinity.

Coming from the east coast, I was used to seeing the sky obscured by tightly packed buildings, suburban sprawl or, when we could get far enough out, veiled by a covering of trees. My mountains were the Blue Ridge Mountains. I'd traveled several times through them to my father's place in Texas. Traveling those mountain roads was like driving through a green tunnel.

Even living in Tyler TX, ensconced in the Piney Woods ecoregion, I never got the sense of myself spinning in space on this big rock we call Earth at roughly 800+/- miles per hour, tethered only by that vaguely understood physical law called gravity. As a child I viewed the sky framed by familiar structures, safely seated on the hood of my parent's car. My horizon consisted of my neighbors' rooftops.

It wasn't until I came to the Texas panhandle, surrounded by miles of flat, sparse landscape that I fully apprehended that sense of "Whoa. That sky up there? It's big." I remember likening the vista to a vast soup bowl of inky, star-studded anxiety. It unnerved me, trying to comprehend that many stars in the night sky.

The only comparison I had was the awe I'd felt summers at Virginia Beach, watching a horizon comprised only of ocean and sky, and the smallness I would feel in relation. But I had the high rise resorts just behind me to help quell those overwhelming feelings.

I felt really unsettled for months after I moved here. I couldn't bring myself to look up very often -- even though, as a tween amateur astronomy nerd, I would have sworn that I'd gladly give my freedom for the typical night view most natives take for granted in this part of the country (and I cherish my freedom, yo.) I thought I'd never get comfortable with the limitlessness.

Then I went back east for a visit. I hated it. I couldn't get used to not seeing as far out as forever. I didn't like the buildings obscuring the view of the sky. I felt hemmed in, surrounded, suffocated.

It gets under your skin, this wide open, windy, parched, richly-colored, rugged land. Sometimes, you just have to go away to realize it.

To everything turn, turn, turn...

So I head out at 7:30 am to Abernathy by a very circuitous route, hugging tightly to the back bumper of the yellow school bus carrying half of the sixth grade band, lest I get hopelessly lost. Band competition: one of those inevitable yet unplanned for things in your visions of the future spent raising your kids.

I lamented to my friend Di that I'd have to miss the May PPW meeting as in my parental "Rock-Paper-Scissors" game of life "Kid" always beats "Selfish Wants." Plus, I had to drag my Youngest, as the love of my life was scheduled to work that day. Joy. I envisioned a recalcitrant child stonily harrumphing through the whole day-long event. My visions were not far from reality, either, but more on that later.

Di said, (and I love this about her -- her optimistic viewpoint that everything, EVERYthing can be used as a writing prompt!) "Ooooh, what a GREAT opportunity to get some good human-behavior observations down on paper!!!"

Isn't that cool? She looks at all situations as just one more potential writing exercise ;-)

Anyway, I said, "Oooh," back and thanked her for the gentle, optimistic reminder, packed my trusty, beat-up notebook into my purse and suddenly looked forward instead of askance at the prospect.

The day was rainy, chilly and generally miserable and Youngest, against my protest, had worn my old dojo robe over a tank top, shorts and sandals as a defense against the elements. (Notoriously under dressed, that one) Plus she had to go into the building sans dojo robe as it's really (no, really) not appropriate for public display.

She grumbled throughout the entire competition -- "I'm cold," I'm hungry," "this is boring," "are we leaving yet?" I attempted several times to appease her by running out to the car to get snacks we'd packed and an extra t-shirt I keep in the car, but she would not be appeased. She's nine, bless her heart. (If you are southern, you know what I'm really saying when I use the phrase "Bless her heart....")

After our sixth grade band performed their portion, I turned to Youngest and said, "Okay, chicky, they're done. You wanna stay in here or go out to the-," She cut in "To the car!"

We made our way out there, me gripping her tight to my side to try to keep her from plunging her sandaled foot into the puddles and the wind whipped us both inside the warm car without too much trauma. Through my crazy ninja-mutha skillz, I actually got her smiling again, (Yes. I do rock, thank you.) which turned out to be a good thing, because the band took their sweet time eating a school-provided lunch of which we two little lost souls were left out. (Oldest forgot to hand in the note explaining that her mom would be tagging along. Harrumph.)

I get home, and a couple days later Di asks, "So...did you get anything good written down in your human-behavior study? And, because I have a really short attention span, I said, "Huh?" She reminded me about the writing I was going to do at the band competition and I said, "Oh, yeah, that."

She said, "...what?" like she knew what was coming, and I told her the recaplet of the sojourn and how instead I spent my time entertaining Youngest. She commiserated, and we went on to talk about whatever meandering things we usually expend an hour on the phone hashing out.

Well, Di, I'm happy to tell you that Chance gave me another...well, chance. I attended the Spring Band Concert last night, and was able to get a mulligan on my Human Behavior Project, with the added bonus of the rest of the Jr. High band and High School bands too.

Here's what I observed: (names changed to some inane nickname to protect the innocent ;-)

Master: A voice like a strung willow branch, plucked; high, a bit tinny but not unpleasant. Unhurried yet abbreviated movements, controlled and devoid of dominance. He offers a smile of distracted elegance while his eyes take in all, registering neither disappointment nor relief.

Apprentice: Her brow creased in alarm, hand emerging slow as a turtle's head in tentative welcome. A smile spreads slow and reaches her eyes; her brow, however, misses the "all clear" sign.

Junior Officer: Is this the willow branch upon which Master's melodic voice is strung? Like a linear sigh he seems too insubstantial for gravity to hold him! Bending inward protecting wisps of logic and strength embedded in almost painfully thin veneer. Walking sheet music, "blink and you might miss him," he conceals more than the ink hieroglyphs scratched upon his surface. Close your eyes and open your ears. You'll see him as he is.

Trombone: His voice must have room, more than even the Tuba. Sliding forth, testing outer limits followed by eventual retreat to familiar places. He has vague ideas of the notes to play but -- unlike the other brass with buttons to press -- must feel his way to make the notes true.

Confidence came late but once he discerned the 'sweet spots' the underbrush cleared and the path -- which he thought he'd have to trail blaze -- had been there all along, waiting for him to find it. Distractions tempt him to unsure ways; will he lose the path or blaze new paths all his own?

Horn: He is uncomfortable with his voice. To cover, he's ever watchful of those who speak out confidently, counting mindlessly with sure toe taps, understanding the melodic scratches on the page. Fearful of playing a wrong note, unsure of the symbols others read with ease, he can hear it but cannot see the music.

Maybe he will surrender for a while, lay his voice aside, revel in the physical knowledge of pure sport. One day, on his way to the court a black line like the readings of a heart monitor will catch his eye. He'll stop, tilt his head, prick his ears and stare, focused on the line until the meaning emerges from the blur. He'll hear and see. His fingers will twitch out the interpretation of the line like a heart monitor read-out. The court forgotten for a while, he'll allow his hand to find his voice again.

People Concerto in A minor, by Grief, Good. ;-)

the path

"We can do this the easy way...or we can do it the hard way"...

Those words have been spoken in some incarnation in a lot of movies by a lot of different heros. John Wayne, all the dudes that interpreted Wyatt Earp on screen, heck probably even Bruce Willis said something near it in his Die Hard movies -- although not nearly as memorably as his Yippee-ky-yay M*****F*****. (You don't get many catch phrases as good as that one. Well, maybe Ahnold's "I'll be back," comes close. But I'm chasing rabbits, now -- back to the point)

We can do this the easy way or the hard way... Like we have a choice. Most people can do it no other way than the hard way -- and I know. I'm a people. Who usually does "it" the hard way. Someone much wiser than me said, It is only through the hard times that one grows...(or words to that effect.)

It's the high winds that bend the juvenile trees (almost so far that you'd swear they were going to break) that actually strengthens them and helps them grow tall -- if they don't break, that is. Heh -- that's another one, what don't kill ya, makes you stronger. How many times have I had that phrase shoved at me by some stalwart old fart...who, I begrudgingly admit, knew better than me? How many times since I've started to become a stalwart aging fartlet have I said the same thing to other young saplings who -- I know looked at me like I was just as crazy as I thought the old farts were who were saying the same thing to me?

I had a friend who told me that you have to beat the tomatoes to get them to grow. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't planted a bunch of tomato plants and anxiously watched them suck your water bill to over three thousand extra gallons a month only to appear to swoon every single day in the harsh sun of a typical TX panhandle afternoon. But if you have? Well, you know exactly what my friend was talking about -- it may not actually do any good... heh. But it sure makes you feel better ;-)

Is it true? Do the beatings you take in life make you stronger? I pondered this today as I had a pretty frank conversation with my soon-to-be twelve year old...about a very difficult period in my life. I found myself at one point in the conversation saying that although I was pretty strong when I was in high school, I went through a terrible period in college wherein I surrendered everything that made me "me"....but that now, I was much stronger than I'd ever been before the terrible period with the difficult people in my life and I was actually -- if not exactly grateful -- I was at least thankful that I learned from it, and grew...and that I would never just let someone strip me of my self-worth again.

I don't have the abject terror of being unloved the way I did then... perhaps because I stumbled upon someone who loves me unconditionally --- and allows me to love him back the same. I don't need approval the way I -- even subconsciously -- did then because I've learned (well, more accurately I'm in a constant process of learning) that I need only stay true to my core values and I need no other approval. I no longer see the necessity of perfection in myself...I only have to give my endeavors my best. Sometimes my best is half-assed, and that's okay too as long as I don't make a habit of it.

My husband -- before we were even dating, when we were just two friends who worked in a dinner show together -- used to nab me by my sleeve as I was storming out the stage door for a smoke after I flubbed a cue and he'd look me in the eye and he'd say, "Let it go. If you focus on what you messed up, you'll blow the next cue...and the next...and the next. Concentrate on the moment and you'll do fine."

He was right. When you concentrate on the moment -- whatever it is -- give it your focus as if it's the only thing happening right now, as if there's no other concern in the world, you'll do fine. Will you make mistakes? Sure you will... but in the end, you'll regret only the things you didn't do, not the things you tried and flubbed.

Maybe that is the "hard way" -- ranging around, giving your best, getting messy, making mistakes, flubbing your lines and staying on stage in spite of it -- because of course the 'show must go on' -- pitting your wits against the wind and raising your fist and saying "Give it your best shot!!!"

Live wild. Live hard. Live like you mean it. Let the wind blow, the rains lash, the elements nearly break you. And then feel that powerful sinew in you grow.

Malconent in the Middle

I guess I don't have as much to crab about as I thought I might, lo these many years since I started blogging. That was the reason I started to blog - to get my bitch on, and dump it squarely somewhere so my husband wouldn't have to listen to a constant stream of complaint.

But looking back over the posts I've made -- I haven't really complained all that much. A real "Huh." moment for me, actually.

Dare I say that must mean I'm...happy...? Ugh. For a post-modern, slow-maturing, aimless, caught-between-Gen's X-and-Why-doesn't-really-fit-in-either Gal, that's quite a shocking realization.

I practically ™'d Miserable Dark Girl.

sigh. I guess I'm like most people -- much cooler in my own imagination than I am in actual living color. Much less a dweeb, much hipper, more insightful and deep, than anyone out there gives me credit for... Heh. Right.

But one thing I can say, without reservation, pride or prejudice, is that I think by myself, for myself. Sure, I pick up as much imput as I am humanly able -- and I don't stick to one source, either; I crib from everything left, right and center that I can find.

Once I've let the mash stew for a bit... I form my opinion. Which usually ends up coming out something along the line of, "Well... I see both sides -- I really do and can honestly say I think the truth...is somewhere in the middle."

I'm so middling it's probably the topmost reason I'm so damn boring.

Conflict in the Middle East? I see both sides, I really do...and I think the truth is somewhere in the middle -- but only one side might be willing to step to the "middle" if their damn dance partner wasn't so willing to blow it's own children up as a statement that they don't particularly like the style of music.

American politics: Left? or Right? I see both sides... I really DO (and have at various times in my life been on both of them) but I think the truth is somewhere in the middle -- only, politics is so much more fun when we can gain power by demonizing the other side and placating huge swathes of complacent, uninformed people with meaningless platitudes in order to maintain that power! (and yeah, I think it happens on the left and the right.)

Okay...here's another tough one. Abortion: For? or Against? Heheheheh. I guess you know what I'm going to say. I see both sides... I REALLY do, and though it horrifies me personally, and I don't think I'd have one myself (can't really say, as I've never been pushed into that particular corner, and don't really WANT to be, thankyouv,v,much) we've traversed too long a road to try to repeal Roe v. Wade now and I cannot, would not in good conscience impose my moral stances against someone's own right over their own body. It's so impossibly sticky, that my stance is the best "lesser of two evils" I can hope to ever come up with...

See? Middling. Horribly, horribly middling. But it's the best I can do. And I'll tell you, it IS a stance, the middle. Some people might say that it's no stance at all...that you either have to be right or left, pro-Palestinian or pro-Israel, for Abortion or against it... And maybe they're right.

But I don't think so. (Lookit. You've GOT to have enough weight in the middle to keep the seesaw from clunking down hard one side or the other...s'all I'm sayin') I think that mind-set is what got the world into this kind of trouble in the first place.

Look. If there's a God, a Creator (and I, personally, believe) then that God gave the human creation one very precious gift: Free Will. Left it up to us, to muddle along as best we could in a divine love so intense that it would rather we evolve, slowly and painfully -- maiming, warping and killing ourselves along the way to finding the path to not just surviving...but THRIVING -- than to ever IMPOSE upon us, like a dictator or tyrant, its own Will.

Some think that is the height of uncaring, dispassionate, ambivalent feeling. And sometimes... I do too. Sometimes I think, Ah, God...can't you come down here and make us all get along? Make all the paths straight? Make all the wrongs right?

Then I think... do I really want to be an automaton? It's like in my parenting -- which I do unevenly, sporadically and to very mixed results, I might add (my kids are great thru no fault of my own, btw) -- though it kills me, almost literally, I have to let them make some mistakes and (more importantly) to face the consequences all on their onesies if they are going to learn, grow and survive.

But I'm only human. I still stick my hand out in front of them when we are somewhere high up and they step too closely to the edge... (they are 9 and almost-12) I still remind them -- every single time they take a bike ride -- to watch carefully at all road crossings. I still -- God love 'em -- clean up their more minor messes -- both literal and figurative -- for the umpteenth time...because I'm not omnipotent, omniscient or omniwise. (I made that last word up) I have myself all fooled up that I actually possess a modicum of control.

I can get away with "imposing my will"... because I don't have all those nifty "omni-" gadgets at my disposal. I can still claim ignorance for meddling and keeping my "creation" from learning valuable lessons the old-fashioned way... thru trial and, unfortunately, error.

In God's big arena, though, error sometimes has devastating, far-reaching consequences.

But it ain't like we haven't been warned or (in human-parent vernacular) nagged sufficiently either. Can we really claim no culpability in the whole mess?

Ads that make you go, "Huh?"

I have a difficult relationship with commercials. Mostly I consider them a nuisance, except for when I'm in need of a restroom or drink break. Well, and on those rare occasions when they actually work, and I consider them a pithy little shot of entertainment in their own right.

I mentioned the stupid Valentine's teddy bear commercial in my last post, and added to it the even stupider and more crass Burger King commercial. I also can't stand the plastic King -- so creepy -- but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that one. (Oi, poor Burger King! They've never been able to top "Have it Your Way")

I'm also unimpressed with those commercials for some financial planning company which look like a live action filmed commercial with the cartooning effect superimposed on top -- what's the point? I mean, film it, and then animation on top of it? Isn't that a bit like tracing?

Just saw one with pigs sitting at a table in a restaurant - Okay, is that supposed to sell something? I mean to humans?

There are others that I can't think of now, and I can't be arsed to sit through youtube vids looking for them. The less I recall them, the better my sanity.

There are a few I enjoy, like the Sonic Drive-In Comedy Duos -- the two guys are funny, the husband and wife are growing on me and they've just launched the Mom and Son -- I think they're funny because they're identifiable. The duos are comical, but in a down-to-earth, "ain't life quirky" kind of way.

Then there's the Hall's cough drop "War Face" commercial -- I think it's hilarious and I laugh evertime I see it. That one isn't even slightly identifiable -- I mean, I've never had a Military Sargeant roll out of a thunder clap and give me a boot camp pep talk when I pop a Halls cough drop in my mouth, You? Yet isn't that what that first inhale feels like after you do? "Let me see your 'war face'!" indeed.

I roll when I see the "Bing-O was his name-O" style of that commercial for the employment website, with the woman screaming and banging the wheel of her car, the man walking by the desk casually greeting the fellow employee "Hello, Dummy" and the guy weeping uncontrollably (along with the punching of the stuffed animal -- don't tell peta) I've had jobs where I felt EXACTLY like each one of those repeated scenarios. It never fails to make me laugh. Again, very identifiable.

I guess they're all pretty successful -- even the ones I don't like -- because even if I can't recall the exact company name they're advertising, I can at the very least hit the industry.

Is that always good though? I mean, I have an aversion to Burger King and I'm not sure if it's because the plastic Burger King freaked me out on some subconscious level or because I just prefer McD's french fries.

Is it just a coincidence that I continue to go to the Sonic Drive-In, even though the one here in town without fail gets my order wrong, puts waaaay too much ice in their drinks so you just know you're getting ripped off and everything (from the ice cream to the burritos)tastes like it's been cooked in the same stale grease?

Do I neglect to invest for my future because I'm some cool cat who can't be bothered planning for my old age, or because I think the commercials for the financial planning company "cheat" because the artwork is traced?

Do I spend a little more on Halls rather than the knock off because it's actually better, or because I'm hoping Sp. Agent Gibbs (the best-looking fictional former Marine I know of...) to roll out of a clap of thunder and exhort me to "put on my war face"? (Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?)

I dunno. The advertising companies have so fully embedded psychological study into the process that perhaps we are ALL just the victim of choices we made based on some unfairly stacked media advertising practices.

Makes me wonder, though; now that we've entered into the concrete, visible phase of economic downturn -- paybacks for rampant requisitioning, maybe? -- will we see a day when advertising companies are held accountable for making people want what they don't need, can't afford, and isn't necessary? Will we see trial lawyers (the scourge, imo, of our modern times) humping the pass the buck gravy train for our consumerism run amok onto advertisers who unfairly weighted their campaigns with subconscious appeals to that greedy nature in us all?

I don't know. I'd like to think that once you become an adult you start accepting some responsibilty for your choices -- no matter how manipulated or coerced you may have felt. Some things you just know deep down inside. Like, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Like, anyone who tries to tell you they have the corner on the absolute truth is either lying or trying to sell you something. Like, you can't pay for an Escalade on a Hyundai income. Given the raw numbers set before them, wouldn't even a fifth grader be able to predict that one?

Huh. Come to think of it, maybe our government needs to go back and relearn some fifth grade arithmatic, eh?