Act your Wii Fit Age, not your shoe size...

Wii Fit can kiss my butt.

I have reached almost 100 days on that sucker, and I've not budged from between a two pound weight variance (and no, I'm not saying how much). Up/Down, Up/Down, Up/Down, on and on and on it goes. I gain and lose the SAME. TWO. POUNDS. every time I step on that stoopid little talking, sweat-inducing board.

And man, is that thing ever chatty. Mouthy little artificial intelligence exercise dominatrix. You wobble ever so slightly and that thing admonishes you in a smug female voice -- and you can just see it's perfect little geek-wet-dream-cartoon-never-happen-in-nature-body -- that "You're a little shaky!" Well, Duh, Byte-for-Brains! I'm being JUDGED every single nano-second I stand on this White Board of Condemnation! I'll be doing fine -- for me, that is -- until the smarmy voice intones, "You're swaying a bit!" and then I'm like, "Ya THINK?" as I topple off the side, and the Wii goes, "BOINK!" in a cartoony verbal slap at my inadequacies.

The hate. It Burrrrrns.

If you don't stand on Her Majesty just so, she measures you the entirety of the exercise as being "off balance" and lemme tell you... I wasn't particularly 'off balance' until I introduced myself to that unctious little White Platform of Fail...but now? I'm contemplating Wii-hicular Homicide. I plant my feet on her so carefully...and look at the light yellow circle, expectantly...hopefully, even -- "Maybe this time...?" But my little red dot (which makes me think of lasers...attached to the scope of an M16...pointed at that judgey little yellow circle... yeah...) will be off center. GAHHH! What do I have to DOOOOO?!?

I think that perfidious white nightmare would make an excellant clay pidgeon. Now THAT would be a nice workout, yeah?

Heh. The kicker? I primarily do the Yoga exercises... And isn't Yoga supposed to be like, Zen and stuff? Aren't you supposed to be "loving the body you have now" and breathing into the poses with calm serenity? Releasing your anger and all that crapola? Yeah... No. It MAKES me angry, I tells ya! I cuss my way into the Warrior Pose (eh, I've known PLENTY of 'warriors' who work 'Blue'), I grit and gnash my teeth through the Tree Pose, I gripe and mutter through the Dance Pose....

Oh, yeah. I'm Zen. If by Zen you mean "Homicidally maniacal." That little (*&%%$#@)!! Makes me want to rip it's console out by the root and toss those little Wii Rem--




........Hey...what's this?

..................................The Balance Board's batteries are low? Oh NO! I'm sorry, honey!! Mommy didn't mean it!! I swear -- look! I've got some Double A's right here, fresh from the package... please don't lose all my stats, sugar! I will make it up to you, I SWEAR!!